The Key To Moving On Is Realizing There Is No Real Answer To Heartbreak

I recently received a message from an old friend. She needed some guidance on dating. For some odd reason, she was coming to me.“How do you move on from someone you are in love with?” She asked, in an honest and despairing manner. “You always have the best dating advice,” she added on.

Letting her praised comment get to my head. I sat up a little straighter in my chair and wiggle my fingers above my keyboard, all in preparation of sharing my “amazing” relationship advice in a lengthy rant.

But my mind went blank.

I kept repeating her words in my head, “How the hell do you move on from someone?”, in hopes that the magical answer would come to me. After a few minutes of pondering her question, all I could come up with was: “Honestly. I don’t know.”

Low and behold, my sought-after advice, in four simple, unhelpful words.

We all search and hope for some astonishing, one size fits all answer on how to move on and let go of an old lover. Looking for one big solution to solve our painful problem. When in reality, I’m not sure there even is one exclusive answer. Which maybe, that within itself is the key: Realizing that not everyone moves on and heals the same way. There is no correct way to move on from someone.

No two relationships are the same. Moving on should be no different. We all heal differently.
For some, it is finding someone else. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, right? Others work on focusing on themselves. Taking time to understand what they want from their life and relationships.

Some people drink their agony away, while others wallow in a carton of Ben & Jerry’s. Some people let themselves completely feel the pain, while others pretend they don’t have any. Some workout, while others eat their feelings.

We all deal with pain and heart break in our own ways. Decide what works for you, then wake up every morning and do your best to find happiness throughout your days. Do what is best you can, and try not to compare your healing process to the ones of others.

I strongly believe that what makes moving on so difficult. That lingering bit of hope that is present in our hearts. We secretly hope that this person who rejected or hurt us will change their minds. Realize the degree of their mistake. Causing them to come running back to us. We cling on to this little ounce of hope, because it is the only thing the helps us get by. Let go of how you think things should have occurred, so that you can accept them for the way they are happening. Release all the images you have created in your head. Start focusing on the reality of your situation.

Once you start accepting the direction in which things are going, instead of the way you were want it to happen, it will be easier to move on from the things that are not meant for you in this life. It’s perfectly normal to be hopeful and want this person to come back into your life. But in the end, I think holding on to this unlikely possibility only hurts us even more.

Moving on is hard. Letting go of a person you though you were going to spend the rest of your life is among one of the toughest things to do in this life. But remember, if they are suppose to be a part of your life, they will find their way back to you.

It is important to have faith that everything is going to work out the way it is meant to. If not with them, then with someone better, a person who is more deserving of your love, a person who will treat you with more affection.

Respect yourself enough to walk away from things that are no longer meant for you. Get your closure, whatever that means to you. Tell this person everything you have to say. Or let silence tell them everything they need to know.

Focus on yourself, or spend time helping other people. Go out with your friends, or stay in with yourself. Find a rebound, or take a break from dating.

Try to fill your life with positive outlets. Spend your time working towards something greater. It’s perfectly OK to take a few days off and sulk, but make sure not get stuck in that dark place.

Get over this person, on your own terms and at your own rate. Find what works for you, and then do that. There is no timeline that goes along with recovery. No rules coincide with this process. Do what you need to do, and take all the time that you need. Figure out how to mend your heart and soul.

Advertisements

The Real Reason We Travel, In Search Of Having ‘No F*cks’

We were sailing through the calm blue waters of the Whitsundays Islands in Australia, warm sun on our skin and cold ciders in our hands. Every so often, a cool breeze would pass over us, blowing our hair into its’ direction. A blissful silence surrounded us, while the steady rocking of the boat soothed us.

Suddenly, the cute English boy sitting next to me jumped to his feet. It was as if he just remembered something extremely important. He dashed towards the front of the boat and perched himself out over the edge. He curled his finger over, and then brought his circular shaped hands together. Creating what looked like a pair of binoculars. He then proceeded to press his face towards them, as if he was actually looking through out at the horizon.

“No f*cks” he proclaimed in his sexy accent. “I see no f*cks ahead,” he reassured us.

I couldn’t help but laugh. Partially, because he looked like he was reenacting a scene from the Titanic. Looking out for dangerous icebergs that potentially existed before us. But I was mostly laughing, because he was right. At that exact moment we had no f*cks.

Zero f*cks were given that day. Not even one.

For the remainder of my travels, I carried that moment around with me. I was living life to the fullest, while having no cares. The image of him assuring us that we were clear of bumping into any f*cks would replay in my head. I let this memory push me to appreciate my travels to the fullest capability.

I created his words into my new mantra: “Today, I will give zero f*cks.” I would remind myself every morning. Prospering to keep true to my new life motto.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. We all travel for different reasons. Some are running away, while others are searching for something more meaningful. Some travel to find love, while others are looking for lust. Some go at it alone, while other travel together. Some of us travel to see, while others of us travel to do. We each travel for a specific purpose searching for different things.

But there is one underlying theme present in each of our journeys. We travel so we can be free. We travel so we can have-you guessed it- no f*cks.

Every person out on the road has his or her own story. Most travelers have a unique past that has leads them to the place they are now. No two travelers have the same agenda. We are all dancing to the beat of our own lives. Searching for a place we can call home.

That is the best way to travel, with no f*cks. No plans. No expectations. No responsibilities.

We go with the flow of life. Letting the road take us to where we belong. Moving in the direction the wind carries us. Not having a plan is the best plan to have. Traveling without any restrictions allows us to have the spontaneously that we crave. We wander blindly, taking everything as it comes. We find ourselves out in the land of uncertainty. Completely lost, but in a good way. Without any direction or prospect of where me might end up.

We learn to how to let go of power and authority. Realizing that most things in our lives are uncontrollable. So, we learn to take things as they approach us. Handle problems as they arise. We discover how to relax and be carefree.

We won’t let anyone or anything stand in our way. We are given the opportunity to be able to create ourselves into whomever we want, while not having to pretend to be anything we aren’t. Traveling allows us to be the rawest form of ourselves.

We are reckless. Stomping around the world acting like we own the place. Doing whatever we want. Taking the most out of life. We are selfish. Leaving behind a life of responsibilities and people who rely on us. We are jobless. Spending what little money we have left on plane tickets and goon. We are homeless. Sleeping wherever we can get a spare moment to rest.

And the best part of it all; We don’t f*cking care.

With every boarder we cross and every stamp we collect, our perspective of the world increases. Every person we met helps shape our new character. With every interaction, we morph into the person we were put on this earth to be.

We are young enough to know better. Old enough to not give a shit.

I will never forget that moment. The rocking of the boat as we slowly made our way, intertwining around the islands. The sun beaming down upon us, turning our skin tones one shade darker. The taste of the refreshing cider as it touched my lips. The wind blowing through, reminding us what it feels like to be alive.

But above all, the feeling of have no f*cking f*cks.

 

Traveling The World Helped Let Go Of My Eating Disorder

I got your attention with that title, didn’t I? Now you’re just dying to know the end-all, be-all secret of how to end this awful struggle that involves living with an eating disorder. Well, here you go: The answer is you.

You are the only thing that is going to fix this problem. No one but yourself can do this. All it takes is a change in mindset, an acceptance of something you might not be able to change. Every person has a different body shape and build. There is no right or wrong type of body.

Somewhere along the line, our generation has forgotten that concept and created a new one. Being skinny should not be the only desired body type. Also, skinny and healthy should not be confused as the same thing.

The thing about eating disorders that most people don’t realize is it all comes down to having control. That is essentially what this entire disease is about, the power to take control over something in our lives. It rarely has to do with food itself.

Sometimes we find ourselves lost, without control over anything. There are very few things in this world we have complete and utter control of. But an eating disorder can provide just that. We have control over what we eat want and when we do it. We regulate how long and hard we work out for. When we hand over control from ourselves to our disorders, we allow an unhealthy power within ourselves to overpower all the work we do to keep ourselves healthy. We cling onto this power, and let it get the best of us.

It was traveling that cured me. I found myself in a position where I couldn’t count calories and workout for hours every day. Out on the road, I had little control on my body. I found myself slowly putting on weight, but surprisingly, I didn’t seem to care.

Food is a part of the overall travel experience. I love to submerge myself into a new culture and try new foods. I want to completely enjoy myself while out on the road. I slowly learned how to be present in a moment, and take it for everything it has to offer.

When I traveled, I let myself let go of the worry of gaining weight and somehow stopped obsessing over when I would exercise next. I wasn’t going to go to Italy and NOT eat an entire fresh, delicious Italian pizza by myself. In fact, I took a bottle of red wine and some gelato for dessert to go along with it.

Somehow, the new experience of traveling the world opened my eyes to all the possibilities life has to offer. And as a result, my eating disorder begin to have less and less power over me. I regained the power of controlling myself, instead of letting my esat disorder have the power over me.

Traveling helped me overcome my terrible eating disorder. It took away my control and forced me to let go of that power. I’m not trying to say that traveling is the only thing that can cure you- it’s not. It’s just what helped me finally get clean. I understand that not everyone has the opportunity or desire to go traveling, and that is completely fine.

Honestly, I just hope that one day soon, you can too have your own success story. I hope you find the strength to win this battle. At the end of the day, who cares if you’re a size 8 or 6? There are more important things that define you then your weight. I’m not trying to say you should completely let go of yourself. Sitting around eating massive amounts of food and not exercising is clearly unhealthy, but so is over-exercising and starving yourself. It all comes down to finding a balance between the two.

The truth is, if you don’t love your body at a larger size, you probably still will not love it at a smaller one. Learn to accept and love your figure for what it is. Quit comparing yourself to others. It’s not helping you in any way. Take care of yourself and your body. Stop letting it consume your every thought and decision.

Life is too short to spend time being unhappy with yourself. Skip the gym, eat that extra slice of pizza and start truly loving yourself.

You are beautiful and perfect the way you are. Please don’t tell yourself any differently.

The Hardest Part About Returning ‘Home’.

Traveling is one of the greatest things one can do in this world. Jetting off to new places, while meeting new people, is an experience that will change our lives forever. To call ourselves travelers is an understatement. We are adventures and thrill seekers. We are fearless. We are lovers of life. But above all, we are free.

Us travelers, speak a special type of language. A dialect only we can understand. We see the world in a different light then most people.

We spend hours talking about places we have been and the ones we hope to visit soon. Sharing our stories help us understand one another. They connect us. Giving our travels meaning and significance. We believe that faith has led us to one another. Our paths have collided for a specific reason.

One thing travelers neglect to speak about is returning home. We all realize it is apart of the journey, yet do not spend much time dwelling on the homecoming.

Returning home from traveling is by far the worst part of our entire trip.

We experience life to the complete fullest. Nothing is impossible or off limits. The sky is our only restriction. The world becomes our playground and we never want to grow up. Our lives are filled with new adventures and our days are meaningful.

Unfortunately, usually due to lack of money, our time always comes to an end. We aboard that last plane back to a place we use to know.

At first, returning home is exciting. Seeing our family and friends is refreshing and comforting. Sleeping in our own bed, in a room to ourselves, is true bliss. Home is familiar and safe. We might even start to wonder why we left to begin with.

But slowly, as the excitement of it all fades, we find ourselves a bit lost. Suddenly home is no longer recognizable. Everything looks the same. But it doesn’t feel that way.

Something major has changed. And it involves us. We have changed.

Traveling has destroyed the person we use to be. It has created a better version of ourselves. Things that use to matter to us, no longer do. Our priorities, and the things we want out of life, have changed entirely.

We begin to crave the unfamiliar. Waking up without knowing of the direction of our day. We miss submerging ourselves in diverse cultures and constantly meeting new people. Reminders of our travels haunt us everywhere we go.

We’re stuck between two worlds. A world we no longer know how to navigate, and a world where we feel the most alive.

We return as completely different people, who are expected to fill the role of an unrecognizable person. The person we use to be. Outsiders looking in on a world we use to understand, but no longer can.

That person, who left months ago, does not exist anymore.

To our loved ones, we look just the same. Maybe just a bit more tanned with lighter hair. But no one can comprehend the change that has occurred within us. We cannot relate with our family and friends like we use to. Even though, we wish that we could.

All of this makes us want to leave again. Run back to a place where people can actually understand us. So we can find a new place to call home. A place filled with people who we can call our own.

As more time passes, we realize we do not belong here. Although, we are not sure where we do fit in anymore. Sleeping alone in our own bed becomes the loneliest thing in this world. Home is no longer familiar or safe.

So, we do what needs to be done. Work hard and save money. We do what we HAVE to do, so that we can return back into the big open world. We thrive to go back to a place where we can breath again. Back to “Neverland”, where we are free to be who we want to be.

This travel bug of ours is vicious. It takes control of us. Drives us back out into the land of unknown.

We are nomads. We belong to no city. We belong to no one.

Our “home” is no longer that. Which is the worst part about our return; the realization that home is no longer the place you returned too.

 

Never Stop Believing In Love: Even If You Are Heartbroken.

I am ready to fall in love. I have been for about the past year.

During this last year, I’ve met two guys, thinking both of them were “the one”. Turns out, just like every other relationship in my past, the timing wasn’t right. And we all know that timing is a massive bitch.

Soon after both these relationships fell through, I found myself bitter and jaded. I hated the world and every man that existed in it. Okay, I’ll admit. I still kind of do.

I found myself losing faith in love.

After countless hours of crying over these guys and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to suck it up and move on. The first step was forgiving myself. Once I quit blaming myself for everything that had lead to the demise of these relationships, I was able to appreciate them for everything they taught me.

See, that’s the things we always seem to ignore. Every person that comes into our lives is to serve us a specific purpose. When people hurt us, we must learn from it. Then we must let them go. Not everyone is meant to stay around forever.

Turning cold and bitter is the easiest thing to do. Playing victim and hating people for hurting you is normal. Trying to hurt people back is unfortunately a part of our human nature. Wanting to give up on love is inevitable.

To gracefully move on and forgive others, that is a sign of beauty. Respecting someone’s decision instead of trying to hurt them back is a form of maturity. Believing in love again, after being completely destroyed is true strength.

It’s easy to complain about how men are such assh*les and about how all our friends have found love, yet we haven’t’. But the truth is, bitching about how much men suck isn’t going to change the fact. Sitting around mopping about being single isn’t going to change our statues either.

Instead of hating the “single lonely life”, focus on creating a life that doesn’t revolve around a man. Find love in other places and other people. Build up a life for yourself, by yourself. Most importantly, start loving yourself for everything that you are.

Trust me, I’m just as much as a hopeless romantic as it gets. I love love. Always have and always will. But I’m done trying to make finding a man the main focus of my life. I’m tired of feeling unloved and as if a part of me is missing because I have failed to do so.

Just because I haven’t found love from a significant other yet, doesn’t make me any less of a person. If anything, it was made me stronger. I’ve learned to live life on my own. I don’t need a man to be happy or take care of me. I am no longer wearing my statues of single as a shackle.

Love is love. Who that love is coming from doesn’t matter. Just because love is not coming from a lover, does not decrease its value in any way.

That’s the important thing, even though I might not have faith in people anymore, I will always believe in love. I am happy on my own and do not need to rely on others for validation. I am loved in more ways than just one.

I have faith that my time will come soon. Until then, I’m going to keep on doing me and trust the timing of my journey. I am going to fill my life with as much love as possible. I will always believe that I am loved, with or without a man in my life.

Love is the most powerful and beautiful thing in this world. To give up on it would truly be a complete shame.

How Modern Dating Has Turn Into A Big Game For Us All.

Albert Einstein once said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Well, by this definition, I must be f*cking insane.

I’ve spent my entire twenty-three years of existence being single. To be honest, it hasn’t been by choice. I’ve tried anything and everything to change that dread statues of mine; blind dates, dating apps, friends with benefits, etc.

For some reason, all these attempted relationships always fail. And that’s just putting it nicely. They end up burning up in flames, while I’m sat comforting myself with a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream.

I’ve spent countless hours analyzing almost every fling or almost-relationship. The only thing I could ever find in common was, myself. Feeling guilty and unworthy, I use to blame myself for it all. I started to feel as if I wasn’t good enough. Slowly, I started to hate myself.

But despite it all, I continued to date.

I kept putting myself out there in hopes that this time things would be different. Hoping that this time things would end up working out. But they never did.

Recently, it hit me one day. What if I am not the problem? What if the problem is our generation and our lack of ability to date?

Since when did dating apps replace actually face-to-face connections? When did it become okay to openly be dating multiple people at once? What happened to meeting up for an innocent cup of coffee without the pressure of hooking up afterwards? What happened to waiting months to have sex with someone instead of banging it out on the first date?

Somewhere along the line, these things have not only become acceptable in our dating world, but they have become the normal. So many rules have been established for us Gen-Yers. Dating has just become some big f*cking game for us all.

Even Tinder admits to this, with its “keep playing” option after you’ve gotten a match. Our generation has created stupid terms like ghosting and f*ckboys to describe new players on the dating field.

 The worst part about this all is that no one wins.

Side note: It’s not sparing someone’s feeling by suddenly disappearing and never speaking to them again. “Ghosting” is just another term for a “coward.”

There are guidelines about how long we must wait to text back. How often we are allowed to do so. We rarely have actual conversations anymore. Everything has turned into texting and snap chats. We are too scared to tell each other how we are really feeling, so we pretend like we don’t have any emotions. We have turned cold.

If we show too many emotions, we become labeled as “clingy” and “needy”. If we don’t show enough, we are “cold-hearted bitches”. It has become impossible to keep up with all these ridiculous rules. Let alone have a shot at winning.

I think we have all forgotten that we are “playing” with actual people. People who have real feeling and emotions. We disregard other people’s feeling in hopes of sparing our own.

Honestly, I think we’re all just a bit lonely. We’re all just trying to figure our way around this world. We don’t know what were doing. We’re just a bit lost and confused. We’re too scared of getting hurt, so we ruin things before they even start.

Let’s face it, as a generation, we suck at dating.

So, that’s it. I’m done. Done trying to put myself out there and getting hurt. I’m done playing stupid games with guys who don’t even seem to care.

I’m going to take a break and focus on myself. Time to put me first and figure out what I want out of life. In a few years, maybe we will all be a bit better at this whole thing and I will give it another try. But until then I’m going to take a much-needed break.

For now, no more dating apps and awkward first dates. I’m tried of waiting around for text messages that are never going to come. I have better things to waste my time on then getting ghosted by another f*ckboy who doesn’t know what he wants out of life.

It’s time for me to start doing something different, in hopes of different results. I’ll even possibly start to feel a more sane.

If You Hate The Way Guys Treat You, Maybe It’s Also Your Fault

Ladies, hear me out for just a second. Before you get all offended and defensive, listen to what I’m about to say. Take it for what it is.

I’m right there with you when it comes to hating men and blaming them for all of our failed relationships. It’s actually quite disgusting how horrible men of our generation treat us. Their disrespect and rudeness has honestly gotten out of hand.

But it’s time to face the facts. Accept that women are part of the problem.

We sit around and complain about how awfully men treat us. We spend hours venting to our friends about how horrible their words and actions are, and how those two never seem to match up.

But get this: What if we are also partially to blame? What if we are half the problem?

If you think about it, we are the ones who let them treat us like complete shit. In reality, men are only treating us this why because we allow them to.

As women, we are known for trying to fix everything. We make excuse for men, even though they don’t deserve them at all. We overanalyze everything. More often than not, we’re the ones who end up feeling guilty about our failed relationships.

Could you imagine what would happen if we started to stand up for ourselves, and if we stopped accepting their excuses? Even more importantly, stopped defending them.

Not only do we believe their awful lies, but we tend to support them. Why do we put ourselves in so much pain and agony for one stupid guy?

We do this all in an effort to try and convince ourselves, and others, that he actually does like us. We seem to always want what we can’t have.

The truth hurts, but face it: He probably doesn’t like you very much. I know it sucks and that’s not what you want to hear. But more often than not, it’s the truth.

It all goes back to the concept of “he’s just not that into you.”

Instead of moping around because said assh*le doesn’t like you, why not try to find a nice guy who does instead? Yes, darling. It’s that simple!

We need to stop spending time and energy on guys who are clearly only hurting us. Dump the loser, move on, and go find someone who treats you how you deserve. Maybe if we put our feet down and stand up for ourselves, these guys will learn their lesson.

It’s bad enough that they are behaving this way, but it’s even worse that we are allowing it. I’m honestly so sick and tired of guys treating me like sh*t, and even more fed up watching it also happen to my friends.

What makes guys think that they can treat us this way? Oh wait, apparently we do. By allowing these behaviors to continue, we’re only adding fuel to the fire.

Single life isn’t all fun and games. Trust me, I know it can get lonely at times. But isn’t it better to be alone then to be with someone who treats you like garbage?

Life is hard enough, and there is no need to keep people around who make it even harder. If someone is only subtracting from your life, maybe it’s time to say goodbye. Go find someone who adds to your life, and who makes you feel like the princess you are.

Find a man who isn’t afraid to treat you right. Be with someone who makes you a better person.

I realize that my vision of all of us women coming together, and putting an end of all of this is just a dream. But my goodness, enough is enough.

Stop letting people treat you like sh*t. It’s time to do this for yourself.

Let’s be honest, I doubt these guys will ever learn their lesson. Boys will always be boys.But a girl can dream, hey?